Hi Jasmine,
I have a question for you...
I know that I am a Christian and when I die I will go to heaven, but sometimes I still feel afraid. Is Satan trying to make me feel this way? Do you have any encouragement that may help me as an older sister in the Lord?
Thank you,
~A younger sister in Christ
I remember one summer, five or six years ago, when my father was preaching at a weeklong event. I had heard the proclamation of the gospel over and over again throughout his sessions, and, as I lay in bed that evening, I stared up at the ceiling feeling --afraid.
It happened again while I was reading Desiring God by John Piper. While I read his encouraging, convicting, enlightening study on man's chief end, I began to feel sick all over again. I didn't like to go to bed at night because I knew frightened thoughts would accost me.
And then there were other times. After I'd yelled and pitched a fit and said the kind of things you regret as soon as they're out of your mouth. I apologized immediately --I was forgiven. But as I trudged up the stairs to bed I knew that I'd be staring at the ceiling that evening --wondering.
One night, I climbed out of bed and padded down the hall and climbed up into an easy-chair next to my dad. I laid my head on his shoulder and burst into tears. "I don't think I'm saved!"
My dad -always unnervingly calm when his dramatic teenage daughter burst into tears -stroked my hair out of my face and said, "Well, you know what you need to do then. Repent and turn to Christ."
"I did that," I responded. "I do that -"
"Every time you sin, I know." Daddy closed his computer and leaned back to look at me. "If you're unregenerate, and you've been convicted of your sin, it was the work of the Holy Spirit -repent and believe. If you're regenerate, and you're convicted of your sin, the proper response is to repent and turn to Christ. It's that simple. But, tell me -why don't you think you're saved?"
Pent up feelings that I should have expressed to my parents months ago poured out in a rush: "Because I want to please God so badly, and every time I try to do the right thing, I do the wrong thing; because my thoughts and my actions are consistently a struggle to control. I want so badly to be his -to serve him with all of my heart... but I can't."
Daddy laughed. "Jasmine, do you hear yourself? 'I don't think I'm saved because I want to serve the Lord with all of my heart --"
"But I can't," I finished.
That night, I stayed up long past my bedtime talking with dad about some of the same issues that the young sister in Christ in the comment above asked me. I can't answer for everyone who has ever had doubts (some of us doubt because we are, indeed, unregenerate, and have been pinning our hopes, not on the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross, but on our own ability to work our way to heaven through acts of righteousness; we need to test ourselves, 2 Corinthians 13:5).
But there are others of us who come to a point in our lives similar to the one I experienced in the living room of the house we were staying in during one of my dad's events, where we want to serve God wholeheartedly, but find that some glaring sin in our lives distracts us. And so we, in turn, sin by worrying (Romans 14:23).
One thing that throws us for a loop is besetting sin. We read in Matthew that a tree is known by its fruit (Matthew 7:15-23), and in 1 John that those who love the Lord keep his commandments (1 John 5:3). So what do we do when we read Galatians 5:19-21 and see those deeds of the flesh in our own lives?
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. (Galatians 5:16-24)
One of my problems was that I was struggling with some of those sins (enmity, strife, and fits of anger in particular) in my life at the time, and I wondered how on earth a regenerate person could still be struggling with the sins of the flesh?
Paul let me know in Romans 7. I'd never read that passage with so much empathy in my heart --and so much relief. Because Paul reminded me that sanctification is ongoing. As we'll never reach glorification this side of heaven, there will, indeed, be sins in our lives that we constantly struggle with; we may consistently struggle with a certain besetting sin. But the fact that we're struggling tells us something about the state of our hearts; the proper response to this struggle isn't to throw our shoulders back and face it head-on so much as it's to fall to our knees in repentance, to thank the Savior that spared us the just punishment for the sin in our lives, and to lean on him in our moments of frailty.
Secondly, we're sometimes doubtful because of our testimony. In Christian circles, for whatever reason, often, some testimonies are elevated above others. If a drug addict comes to Christ after a near-death experience with an overdose, we celebrate (as well we should); if a young child comes to Christ after growing up in a home where the gospel was proclaimed consistently, we're a bit less enthusiastic (more prone to say, "isn't that precious?" than "praise the Lord." And, you know, that might well be because many children who "come to Christ" really don't have a real understanding of the gospel, and baptism is less an identifying with the Savior they know and love and more a baptizing of their parents fears... but that's another blog post for another time...)
For my part, I was raised in that home where the gospel was consistently proclaimed. When I sinned, my parents took me aside and explained my need for a Savior. When I did something right, I was commended for doing something that pleased the Lord. The Bible was always being taught in my home. And so, at six, I looked out the window on the way to San Antonio and prayed a prayer that I remember to this day: "Dear God; thank you for dying for me on the cross. I love you, and I'm glad you love me. I want to be your daughter." My parents later talked with me about what I'd said, and what I'd meant. We talked for months that turned into two years before I was actually baptized, because my mom and dad wanted to make sure that I wasn't just a little kid "swimming the baptismal tank," as my dad calls it, echoing empty words without real understanding, and being rushed into a decision instead of having true growth.
There were no fireworks. There was no near-death experience. There was no radical reckoning.
I think a lot of us have a similar testimony, and, often, we doubt its merit because of that. But we needn't. Our Savior saves people in mighty and diverse ways. When I cried to my dad that night, one of the things I brought up was my "boring" testimony. He just looked at me. "God is glorified anytime he calls one of us to him."
Which brings me to my final point; pride. Although many of us would shout to the hilltops that we don't believe in works-based righteousness, oftentimes, we're relying on the gospel plus to save us. We need to read Ephesians 2 over and over again: by grace you have been saved, through faith. And this is not your own doing, it is a gift of God.
That night, I told my dad something he'd heard over and over again: I just want to be used by God. I want to do things that honor him. I want to serve him in a huge way! I'd die for him, if he called me to. I'd go wherever he led me! It's just that... I'm such a wretched sinner. Can he use me?
Daddy smiled again. "He always uses wretched sinners, Jasmine. What other kind of person is there?"
When we stumble, we don't need to fret over the stumbling; we need to repent of our sin, yes, but that repentance should go hand in hand with humble thanksgiving as we're reminded that the Lord saved us in the midst of our meanness, and that he is constantly sanctifying us, and that we will spend an eternity praising the God who saved us. Do we strive for righteousness; of course; we've been commanded to. But we do so by "walking by the Spirit" -by leaning on the Lord, not by trusting in our own power. And we do it, not to achieve salvation, but as living sacrifices to the one who has already saved us (Romans 12:1-3).
The older I get, the more I realize that my doubts are usually indicative of a faltering in one of these three areas. Either there's sin in my life that I'm battling right now, and my focus is slipping during the battle, or I'm allowing the adversary a foothold when contemplating the grace of God at saving me at such a young age, or I'm allowing my pride to divert eyes that should be focused on the Lord. Either way, the response is always the same: repent and turn to Christ. And I know that I'm the daughter of a loving Father who won't turn away his little girl when she cries out to him from the pit of her own making.
That night several years ago, when I came to my dad, I realized what a beautiful illustration his conversation with me was of the way the Lord deals with me in times like those (isn't it a blessing to have parents that love the Lord?). Just like my dad put his arm around me and calmed my fears, the Lord does the same when I come before him with a contrite heart.
How good it is to know the peace that passes all understanding!
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